Last updated on August 7, 2023
Before I begin, I want to warn you that this entry may be offensive. We’re going to do what everyone tells you not to talk about in public, Jesus, and money. So, fair reader, I know you can see this before you buy it. Do not continue reading if you are easily offended by honest and real talk about religion…and money (oh yeah, and cats ‘cause everyone loves cats).
Oh, good, you paid for this! Foolish mortal.
My life has been sprinkled with organized religion from a very young age. It began with the neighbor at the end of the street winning a heated reprimand from my pistol of a mother for telling me, who was eight at the time, I was going to hell because I wasn’t baptized. Mrs. G, a devout Lutheran, was the person who pulled children from elementary school for a few hours once a week to talk about God. Of course there were permission slips, and nothing nefarious happening. Well, other than a full-grown adult telling a curious child she’s going to burn in hell because of some arbitrary ritual.
My next encounter with religion happened about three years later when another neighbor screams at my mother that my sister and I are the devil’s spawn. I fully believe my mother giggles every time she thinks of being the devil.
So, not a great start. I should probably clarify that we were one of three non-Catholic/Lutheran families in a neighborhood two blocks from a Catholic church.
My parents got divorced when I was nine. It was the very beginning of the divorce boom and I still can’t go to Dairy Queen on Hanna Avenue because of it. But that’s a whole other blog entry in itself. My father was all of these things in this order; hilarious, charming, roguish, racist, and religious when chasing a skirt. Don’t misunderstand! He would laugh his ass off at that statement. He was fun-loving and gregarious. I miss him every day and wish he could have met Mr. F. This too, is a blog entry in itself.
The first church my father dragged us to was a Baptist church. I remember the woman named Flo who gave me her Bible because I was crying that I did not have one in Sunday school and that is all I remember from that church.
The second church my father dragged us to was a Pentecostal church. Boy, that was fun. First, I had short, curly hair with way too much product in it. I wore pants, and was going through a red lipstick phase. For those of you who may not be intimately familiar with the Pentecostal sect of Christianity; no makeup, long hair, long skirts, not very keen on women’s liberation. After this horrible adventure, my mother had a “Come to Jesus” talk about forcing religion upon us. In the end, he quit dragging us to his girlfriends’ churches.
He also ended up with a Catholic woman who was only thirteen years older than me with a daughter eleven months older. Third blog post in itself.
Remember, you asked and paid for this.
Now, fast forward to high school. I joined Campus Life, Youth for Christ. It’s meant to be a non-denominational gathering of teens with a spiritual leader to talk about God. It was led by a Protestant, at least I think he was Protestant. He was pretty cool, but his view on God was very much a mouthpiece for organized religion and not a spiritual journey.
My latest foray into religion is becoming Lutheran (and yes, Mrs. G I got baptized). Mr. F is Lutheran, born and raised in the Missouri Synod in Southern Illinois (below I-70 you jerks). He wanted to get married in the church he grew up in. To do this, I needed to convert. It was painless and I didn’t burn, like the devil’s spawn I am, when the holy water touched my skin (yes, for those who care, I fully understand all of the significance of the rituals).
Everything was fine until the pastor gave me a book. This book was about how it’s a sin to pursue IVF and surrogacy. That I should accept God’s will to have a broken uterus. You think I’m joking, and I wish I were.
This is where we talk about the difference in spirituality and organized religion. I am a believer. I believe in God, and Buddha, and the Greek Pantheon, and Ra, and pretty much all of the divine entities in existence. If one exists, they all exist. When I say, I believe, I believe.
I also believe the Bible was written and edited by MEN, and only MEN. These men claimed to be of God and to be only transcribing his word. This is all well and good until you bring organized religion into the game.
Organized religion is bad. It didn’t start as bad. I also fully admit that it can have good intentions. However, look at all the damage done in the name of God. Read the Bible, even if you don’t believe. It’s full of insane stories to help guide people, as well as cautionary tales.
My favorite example is Sodom and Gomorrah.
Organized religion likes to use this as an example against God’s love of his children who are gay. However, that isn’t what the story says at all. At face value, the story is about rape. God punished Sodom and Gomorrah because they kidnap and rape angels. I’m not being funny. Those are the literal words on the page. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. It has to do with God punished the wicked people for hurting angels.
Organized religion uses this passage to claim God hates gay people.
God hates no one. Even the great flood was not done out of hate. It was done to cleanse sin from the land. God regretted punishing his children so much, he made the covenant that he would never do it again. Hence, the rainbow. Again, literally the story on the page.
You see, being spiritual isn’t about good check marks and bad check marks. God doesn’t give a shit about what you do, good or bad, so long as you follow he ten rules. If you break a rule, all is not lost. Jesus is the way back in. You sincerely beg forgiveness of God and accept that Jesus washes away your sin, and you’re golden!
Now, organized religion took this tidbit of information and twisted it to its financial gain, or used this process of forgiveness to split the entire church into two separate Synods. Remember how I called out the Missouri Synod? Yeah, there is also an Illinois Synod.
Want to know the difference between the two? They disagree on the technical interpretation of communion. Missouri believes you are actually consuming the blood and flesh of Christ. Illinois believes you are consuming a representation of flesh and blood. See! Organized religion at work here! Arguing over semantics.
Hell, all of Lutheranism is one big screw you to the Catholic church’s tithing system. So, when Luther was a Catholic (just like Jesus was a Jew) the Catholic church was handing out sin vouchers. You pay the money, the sin goes away. That’s now how it works, by the way. Not how any of it works.
Luther, thought it was bullshit too. So he fought the church and won. Well, lost, by being exiled to Germany. Where he grew a following of what we now call Lutherans (Catholic Lites). There are all the costumes, and most of the rituals. But Luther believed people could commune with God directly, and not only through the church. Basically, he said, “Let’s do what Jesus said to do and get rid of the corruption and greed in the church.”
Right, now on to Jesus and flipping tables. This is my favorite part of the Bible. Jesus goes into the church and sees all the greed and suffering the leaders of the church were thrusting upon the people. He gets pissed and starts Hulk flipping tables. He calls them on their shit and he shows the people they can no more get them to God than anyone else. He teaches kindness, generosity, humbleness, and peace. He lived among sinners and dined with whores. Because none of that matters. We are all in the game together. They murdered him for it.
Murdered.
All because he threatened their power through organized religion. We see this throughout all of history. Constantine is the reason you have a Bible at all. He, and his council of men, chose what they wanted from the folklore passed down to create a cohesive message and to unify the non-Christians with the Christians. He stole Pagan holidays and converted them into Jesus’s birthday, his resurrection, and a few others. Want to know who Mary really is? Other than Jesus’ mother? Take a look at Mother Earth, real hard.
Now, there is nothing wrong with unification when it is done willingly and not via conquest. Christianity has an imperial conqueror vibe because its leaders realized the message of eternal salvation is not only powerful, but lucrative. Look at how much money and power the Catholic church has. They even have a private army. Yes they do. Look it up.
So, when you try to throw organized religion in my face, you won’t get the shiny, happy, J.R. Froemling. Oh no, my lovelies. You will get the she-hulk who flips the table and reminds you that even Jesus thought organized religion led by man was bad.
Mr. F just reminded me I made no mention of cats. They are assholes. This is all.